'Beyond the Night..'
Powerful words. They can mean anything. They can mean nothing. Or Everything. This blog is a long time coming. Not one I speak about but share because someone out there needs this. I want to be clear in my message. In no way am I recommending anyone takes the journey I chose. I don't believe one journey creates the same result to every person. Each person is built differently, and each body is different. This is just my healing story. I'm not preaching my faith and I'm not speaking out against any scientific or medical treatment. This is simply the journey I chose.
Go back in time with me to Winter 1994. I had just had my second son and he was a few short weeks old. I woke up one morning and couldn't feel my left side. I thought weird. Went to get out of bed and I collapsed to the floor. Didn't even feel the floor as I stepped. I felt nothing. Thought I slept wrong and my body was asleep. With my right side I went to pull myself up onto the bed. I was shaky and very weak. As I sat up I still felt really nothing except some weird sensations. I looked into the mirror on my dresser and the one side of my face was drooping. Just hanging there. Motionless. I tried to smile but only the one side of my mouth moved. I touched it with my left hand...I felt nothing. I started panicking and crying and called my husband. We went to the hospital and I had suffered a slight stroke. At the age of 21. I went on to have another one at 26 and a third at 45. I'm 46 today.
That next fall and winter I wasn't feeling well. Had some issues we felt resulted from that and I eventually got on track. Fast forward now to Fall 1998. My dad was still alive. It was the last fall he saw. He stopped in for coffee and to see the kids, and I was telling him I didn't feel good again. That I hadn't been ok for about a year. He was worried. I had lost weight and was pretty shaky. He wanted me to go see a Dr. I wouldn't. That Christmas my dad ended up in the hospital and never made it home. He passed January 21, 1999. Shortly after his death, I noticed my symptoms from fall had returned with a vengeance. I was lethargic, had panic attacks, my heart was racing at times and I cried all the time. My body had multiple symptoms and I quite honestly became a hypochondriac. I was at the Dr everyday. I thought I was dying of every disease. Inside I knew something was off, but they told me I was experiencing grief.
My husband thought I was going crazy and I eventually thought so too. But the symptoms got worse. So I was sent for tests and I went to a specialist and my Naturapath. Long story short, I was diagnosed with the dreaded 'C' word along with adrenal exhaustion and total fear set in. My kids were little. I didn't want to die. I had just buried my dad. I didn't want to be buried in the cold ground. My dad at least got to see me grow up. I sobbed at the thought of leaving my kids. I'm not going to get into the details. Over all they don't matter. This was my fight. No one else's. But it was a living hell. I lost weight, was losing my colouring, the panic attacks from pressure on my adrenals was horrific, my body literally would 'jump' when I was trying to rest. I had insomnia for months. Became quite malnourished and was really ill. My heart got to the point it weakened and it beat irregularly and rapid. Mother's Day that year my body had had enough.
Now, I want to take a minute to explain the power of fear. Fear is a gremlin. A demon all it's own. That's how I describe it. I had refused medical treatment for what I was fighting. And chose the naturopathic and chelation treatment route. I believed poisoning my body wasn't going to heal it. Now, this was back when it seemed once you started treatment there was no one or two cycles of anything then go natural. It was all or nothing. Mentally my mind was saying 'your an idiot. Save your life stupid. Take the treatment.' But my body was crying 'don't do it. You won't survive.' So I researched. And researched. And told no one. Some people knew I wasn't well. A couple close to me knew I was very ill. That I had gone through tests and was being treated. But I'd had a conversation with someone who was in that fight with me, and they said, 'I'm concerned that if you make this public knowledge, you won't survive. Your mind is strong. But your fear right now is stronger.' I chose to keep it very secret. That was not easy. I was not a good wife. I was basically useless. And it greatly strained an already weak and collapsing marriage. I don't think I've ever felt as alone as I did then.
My journey was hard and it was long. I would call my mom and sob. She'd come over and I'd collapse. We'd pray. I was a mess. I had a close family friend who prayed with me. Knew my 'fears' but not the reality of it all. I'd call her day and night. She'd come over and help me do things and pray with me. She wouldn't let me speak into anything negative.
I had a journey for a full year to recovery. From that time, I then had another journey to physical stability. I went on to be in the best health and physical shape I've ever been in. Everything in between is between myself and my family. It will remain there. But reflecting on this past Mother's Day...and almost dying 20 years ago... I celebrate life. Family. Faith. I will tell you this however. I can't find any other words to describe the fight you are in when fighting for your life except to say....it's literally a Marathon. You don't know exhaustion. Mental, emotional or physical fatigue, until you've been in the fight of your life. I can completely understand those who lose their fight. They are warriors and heroes. You can't begin to partially understand unless you've been there. And people say stupid shit to you in those moments. You can choose to be angry, or do what I did. Smile and nod, but inside mutter 'what a dumbass' while you walk away. It's how you cope. And we want no one around us who is going to be negative. You'll sign our death sentence. Seriously. If you doubt someone's ability to heal...give them the greatest gift they can get...your absence. I say that kindly. However, it's true. They can sense you're 'waiting for them to die' attitude swarming all over them.
I was so weak, I couldn't hold my kids. My oldest had to help. He was 6. I would crawl down the hall to get the kids up. Well, not crawl. It was more like drag. Something like a horror movie. So imagine a 6 and 4.5 year old and 1.5 year old seeing their mom come into their room like that? I'd tell them 'mom is playing a game today! It's called crawl around and get ready!' It worked at first. Then my 6 year old said no. Mom is sick. Maybe going to die just like papa. That crushed me. I was 26 and a half and couldn't imagine the physical hell of having to fight to hang on to see my 27th birthday, let alone watch them grow up. I literally took it 'Day by Day'. That saying is true. You live hour by hour and minute by minute.
I was vigilant and practiced these 12 things for a full year. Then went on to practice the same for a following year. Again, this is my journey. Not one I'm advocating.
1. Decide your fate. Then get committed. This is going to be the most epic and biggest bitch you've fought to date.
This is vital. You will have to refer back to this multiple times a day. Probably every hour at first.
2. Cut off anyone who doesn't share your vision.
Anyone. Even family. This is your fight. Not theirs.
3. Understand you are in the fight of your life. It's a Marathon. Not a race. So train.
When you begin music or a sport, you aren't instantly good. It's baby steps. Today, you might start by only telling yourself many times why you chose your 'fate.' It's morsels you will start with. This is ok.
4. Plant a seed.
What does this mean? Depends on what you are fighting. I was physically ill with a disease that would take me from my kids. So the seed I planted was belief in my own heart. I chose to believe. I grabbed every resource at my fingertips that would back up what it was I was believing. I read success stories. Miracle stories. I created my own miracle story and wrote it down in a notebook. I nourished my body and my mind.
5. You are not strong now. Do what you need to preserve and build your strength.
I was an insomniac so I 'rested' lightly with my kids in the day. I would rest for 2-5 minutes and open my eyes and start again. While I rested I filled my mind with happy thoughts and visions of me hanging out with my kids when they were grown. With their kids.
6. Your mind is powerful. It will believe anything you tell it. So renew your mind daily.
I started talking to my mind and body daily. I told my mind what to believe. I talked to my body and told it it was healthy and beautiful. I went so far as to ask my Dr scientifically what was and wasn't functioning right. Then I'd speak to my body and tell it to function right. I was specific. I had to learn that a symptom wasn't the end of the world. It was my body doing it's best job daily. And as I was healing, I understood that doing something new in my treatment, even as it's healing my body, it's going to go through some symptoms. It needed to learn a new way to function.
7. You are the pioneer of your pathway to healing. Just because it hasn't been done, doesn't mean it doesn't work.
Trust the process. Trust your body. It will speak to you. Even in things so small such as eating a piece of food. There was times I just knew it was bad for my body. So I listened. It knew itself better than any Dr or I ever could.
With every bite, every sip, every supplement, or medicine, I was taking, I visualized it healing my body. I visualized my future. My family. Looking and feeling vibrant and healthy. Living to be 95. Excited to see my 27th birthday and how I'd celebrate. I went so far as to write out pages and pages of notes. Verses. As a woman of faith I grabbed onto my bible and wrote out every verse on healing. I posted sheets everywhere in my house. On cupboard doors, on the fridge, on the bathroom mirror, bathroom wall...everywhere. When I saw them my rule was to read them before I was allowed to leave that spot. I lost count how many times in a day I read them. I had to retrain my mind and really get it down into my heart. When I wasn't able to read, I had a 'walkman' and played cassettes all day even as I played with my kids. It was always either in my ears or in front of my eyes. Extreme...no kidding! I needed extreme to win this.
9. Gratitude and Prayer.
I expressed gratitude at everything. I sounded like a bat shit crazy woman. I mean, I held conversations doing the laundry with my body. Thanking it for being so beautiful and healthy. I would tell the trees I was grateful to have them. They were beautiful. I mean, I must have looked like a fruit bar. I was determined. F&*%ing determined I was going to live. No one was going to tell me different.
10. Eat Clean and Hydrate.
Ever have your daddy or momma tell you that water is healing food? And yup you guessed it, I spoke to my food and water. That was back before I'd ever heard of imprinting on water. I told my water it was cleansing. I mean super clean. Magnetize your food. Clean your food. Buy organic. If you can't then plant your food. Do what you can.
11. Live, Love, Laugh & Forgive.
This was uncomfortable at first. I had to force myself to laugh. I had nothing to laugh about. I was dying! So I made it into a joke. I listened to comedians. I laughed with my kids. I did silly stuff so they would laugh. And forgive. Well...that was a test of my faith. No one deserved my forgiveness. Or did they? Nope. But I did. My kids did. I wasn't going to drift away over someone else's stupidity. I had to forgive myself too. I had to forgive not doing this with or for my dad. I went through massive guilt on my journey. It was on this path I found out about this Pastor from Winnipeg who preached healing. His church was big even back then, so I must have called his dad 200+ times on my journey. He'd pray with me and teach me. He sent me resources and I grew.
12. Doubt your Doubts.
Your mind is powerful. It will convince you that you are an idiot of epic proportions. You will do a little dance in your mind and circle back around to your plan a million times over. The best advice I received from my Dr was to Doubt my Doubts. So any thought of dying I'd say to my mind...'you sneaky little bugger...you're trying to get me. It almost worked!'
Within a few months I was stronger. I could go for a walk outside. A short walk. But it was a win. I took it.
Somewhere today, someone needed to hear this. I've had many other things in my life tank and fail. My daughter actually said to me last week. Too bad you wouldn't put into practice in those areas what you did in your healing battle. Those words rocked me. So, I am doing just that.
You are strong enough today. Like I said. This was my journey. It's not everyone's. I felt this in the core of my very being. And I listened. Whatever you are fighting today, you have the answer within you. And around you. And never ever judge someone who passed from this life. You cannot begin to understand their fight. It's unbearable. There was many times I could have laid down and gave up. And I would've been fine. My kids would've survived. But I am so glad that I've had the last 20 years with them. That was my burning desire. I'm full of gratitude for them. And not only was I blessed with that but with 4 fur babies and 4 other amazing humans I've adopted into my heart and life.
Believe in yourself and follow your path. Trust the Process. As far as I'm concerned, this applies to any path I'm now on. Financial, sickness, emotional, relational, there's always a path you can take to heal and rebuild. You just got to have faith, listen to yourself and find that path. You know what I did many times and it was very cleansing? I melted down and cried. I'm convinced that helped cleanse out anything I was believing that was negative.
I'm a very strong woman. I've weathered many things. Many people. My own fails and successes. In life, when we experience any of these we develop seasoned haters. There will be those who read this and cheer that I survived. And those that wish it hadn't worked and I'd not survived. Welcome to life. When someone tries to get to me, I quickly now remember. Death didn't move me. Abuse didn't take me down. Your gossip didn't crush me. Financial failure didn't ruin me even though I let you knock me down for a time. But unless you've survived everything I've survived, I'd get out of my way. I'm immune to all of your opinions and omens. I'm wise to your tactics. I'm a warrior now and learned how to fight. I don't believe in giving up. I do not have all the answers, and I do not somedays know how the heck I'm going to pull things I'm fighting off. I only know one thing. I don't give up. I won't give up. Because deep down inside me I believe 100% I've got what it takes to make it work. That makes me already 200% the person that any hater is or any situation is. I'm not perfect. I just got to learn how to love me in any walk of life. We all have a journey. I'm still on mine. 'Beyond the Night...Morning comes.'